Hearkening back to specific days, conversations, and the context of each one is an incredible gift. Life often seems as if it will last forever, but as we age and begin looking back across the days behind us and realize there are probably more of them than lay ahead, its easy to either become melancholy at all that is lost or appreciative for what we can remember; the memories made. In earlier years, I often said that I didn't regret much in my life other than the things I might have said or done that caused someone else pain, but as I've matured, I think I can add something to that statement. Those things that I do regret are unchangeable, but if I get the chance to right a wrong and don't, then I will regret it all the more.
It is worthy to note had I the chance to go back and change them, it would change my entire past following that moment. Of course, I can assume that had I followed another path then, I would have an altogether different life than I do at this moment and it might be either better or worse, but as any fan of Robert Frost has probably muttered under their breath, "I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." I can look back in hindsight still harboring regrets, but in truth, those regrets are like anchors holding a sailboat back even as the wind pushes at the sails. With all certainty I can say its better to record them in my captains log, cut the rope to that anchor, and have faith that the wind in my sail will ultimately deliver me to a better place.
So in recording some of those days and hinting at their significance - 05/17/2003 - A smile in a club welcomed in a new era of "unconditional" that would take me the better part of a decade to understand. 08/26/2003 - A single smile rewrote all my prior thoughts of "that moment when you know instantly." 09/22/2004 - a chance encounter in the computer lab that changed almost everything I thought I knew about me. 04/19/2009 - "c'est fini," and now comes the hardest lesson of your life. 06/17/2009 - A "familiar" sounding voice that told me just what I needed, when I needed it most.
There were plenty of emails in between those and I'm waxing nostalgic even now as I contemplate the next ones I'll open and reveal a time or a moment that had slipped the bonds of my memory. They will fill in details of bygone times, but not ones I truly want to forget. Of course, it is in these emails that I see different sides of me and the influence and effects those moments played in shaping the person I became. However, I also harbor some reservations about the role I may have played in reshaping the lives of others - for better or for worse. I've been no saint in the past; if it were possible to go back and undo the hurt I've left in my wake, maybe I would risk it all and try to do just that at the peril of losing what is today. Sadly that isn't an option, and more often than not, all the apologies in the world aren't going to heal all wounds, although I guess there is always hope.
Strangely enough, two dates when a decision on my part ended two different relationships, both occurred on January 10th in different years. With this date though, I don't need any reminders, as the guilt involved with breaking another person's heart is indeed a dual edged sword and it cuts both ways. From experience, I know that some people are better at forgiving than others; I also found that I wasn't exactly one of them. In hopes to remedy this flaw in my character, I had a permanent reminder etched in my skin to remind me of it's importance. Going back through these emails - I learned a lot from one person who is keenly adept in doing so. Thank God for such friends.