I don't remember always feeling selfish, but as the years have gone by I do see a disturbing trend that I am not necessary selfish with my money or my deeds to do good, as much as I am to give away my love and trust. I really don't love easily and though I have wanted to so badly at times in my life, even when I do have feelings of love for someone, I often fight against it....for any number of reasons, but in reality the root of them all are (*) and selfishness. Note the (*).
I remember reading words written about me once. They stung like wind-driven snow on a cold winters day and though I cannot quote them verbatim, one read something like: "He has loved so many girls that I don't think he has any space left in his heart." While I took that one to heart for several years, I realized later it should have read: he has only really loved a very few times and nearly all of them ended in (*).
I won't elaborate on (*), and selfishness needs little elaboration, but both influence and hold sway over the other. While I have no control over my past, I know I must eventually learn to how to open up and love wholeheartedly without fear of failure and future regret. I don't know how I will come to that point other than through prayer and a willingness to let down my guard. But how does one let down their guard on something rooted in the subconcious? I am a flawed person, no doubt. If a book was compiled by the people in my past that I loved and/or loved me about who I am as a person, I would fear reading even the first page, because I know it would begin very "Dickens-like." "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." As selfish as I suppose myself to be, the last thing I've ever wanted to do is to cause another person pain of any kind. And yet, I feel as though I have caused many to suffer when I did not love up to their expectations...